Revise Personal memoir using the comments provided


Edit the Attached Essay Personal Memoir: Imposter using the below comments.

For the opening, I like that it sets up a definition for imposter syndrome, but the end of the opening paragraph feels a little stilted. Writing about the writing this way tends to take the readers out of the narrative.

While the reflections were strong, the scenes could be more developed and vivid. Try to describe the adversaries and maybe even quote some of the poems being read (or give the gist if they’re hard to remember or find).

Also, the purpose behind reading the poems could be clearer. Is it for a competition or a performance? If so, what kind?

The setting feels important to the narrative, but we don’t get a strong sense of where and when this all takes place. Try to develop this and it build it into the narrative more. Describe the places where it takes place. Describe the uniforms and the other children. Make it come alive a little more with details.

Please proofread with care throughout for passive voice (e.g. “I am handed over the pamphlet”—Who handed it over?), run-on sentences, and typos. Thank you for including the citation. Just be sure to cite in-text and make it clear where the source is used in the essay.

            I liked the way your essay was written. I got the impression that it was like a story that you are hearing from someone else. You wrote as if you were speaking and that made it quite interesting and it made me feel closer to the story since it didn’t feel like a formal essay meant to simply give information. I also liked the examples you gave in the short stories you told, such as the one about the poem. It details the inner battle you had in that situation and the effects of those decisions. It gave me more of an idea on what was really going on when it came to your sense of identity. I do think that you could’ve spent more time elaborating on the ending. It felt like you barely had room and just decided to fit it into the last sentence, which is perfectly fine, endings aren’t easy. I did enjoy seeing how you detailed some of the steps that were taken towards becoming better about your confidence, and it was a good first step towards coming to an ending, but it still felt kind of rushed.

This essay is about a young woman coming to see herself positively, and the struggle to be oneself despite being looked down upon by those who have more advantages. The essay expresses the questioning of who we are in relation to who others see us to be. The persona created is of a young girl who wants to shine but fears the way she will be perceived. The persona is limited in scope, which is the right amount to see the persona but not so much as to be the entire focus. The dilemma that is still present and is the reason that the memoir is being told now, is that the narrator, the young girl who feared what others would think, still has some fear of what others will think of her now. The present voice is shown at the end of the essay and conveys that the narrator is stronger in her confidence than she had been in youth, but also shows that the she has not yet realized her true ability to shine, but she is working on it.

             The narrator is aware that she is growing as a person and she wants the confidence that is still lacking. This essay is moving and relatable. The orienting facts are adequate to grasp the character of the main perspective. I am curious about Annie though. A few more orienting facts about that relationship may help to fill out the orientation. The essay is an exploration of change. The narrator clearly has not seen her own full capability and is striving to do so. That is an admirable pursuit. The narrator wants to be free of fear, she wants to shine, and she is willing to work for it. The obstacle is self-confidence. The narrator needs to let go of the fear of what others think and let herself be who ever and whatever she wants to be. The college occurrence could use some clarification it its wording. A craft element that might help to make the essay even more compelling is the revision process that would have the piece read aloud slowly to catch any word placement that impedes flow. Also to know a little more about the family would ground the piece. This essay draft is ambitious in that the topic is personal and is of a sensitive nature. The narrator succeeds at making me care and with a few more vivid details and descriptive passages, the picture would come to life even more. 

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