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argumentative essay which I had written and failed
Assignment 2b is a the final version (based on the draft of assignment 2a, on which your received feedback during the peer response seminar). It is due on 30 September (8 PM). General info on Assignment 2: This comprises an argumentative essay of 900-1100 words (excluding references). In this essay, you need to make an argument that is related to the topics discussed in this course. Rather than providing a descriptive overview, you should make a point and back that up with adequate arguments, evidence and sources. The clearest way to do that is to actually include a sentence in your introductory paragraph that reads: “I argue that …”, or “this essay contends that … ”, though it is not absolutely necessary to be phrase it in that way. Of course you need to have adequate references (minimum 6, but there could be many more), which need to be correctly and consistently referenced. We recommend you use the same reference style (ie a version of APA) that most of us practice in this course, and which we use during the lit review as well. There are no special requirements regarding format of your text (word/pdf, font size, spacing etc), so long as your essay is easy to read and follows basic rules of academic writing and referencing. The key to a good essay is: that it is clear what you are arguing (2 points) that your argument is relevant to the subject broadly defined (and ideally intellectually stimulating) and well-situated in the literature (2 points), that this argument is convincing on the basis of the material that you provide (3 points), and that the general quality of your essay is good: no typos, clear concepts, good structure, useful sub-headings, academic style, referencing (3 points). There are a total of 10 points for this assignment (following the breakdown above). 0-4 points is a Fail. 5-7 points is a Pass. 8-10 points is a Pass with Distinction. View Rubric Select Grader Clarity of argument Clarity of argument Criteria Ratings Points Clarity of argument Comments The topics called in the head line are very broad – and the arguments are sweeping. ‘…left Africans with a loss of their identity’ – all Africans? How do you know? What does that mean – what are people without identity? This is not convincing. 1 / 2 pts Focus and relevance of argument Comments After some general statements, you select a few contries, Sudan, Nigeria, et al, without explaining this selection, or showing how this contributes to an argument. You say ‘of course’ this has strained development, but why ‘of course’ – the causal chains that follow (violence -> economic crisis; lack of identity -> limiting economic transactions (of which sort?)…) are not evidenced, or otherwise explained. If you make such claims, you need to show how they do. In the next paragraph, it is religion that is to blame for problems. But that does not explain why some states fare better than others, again relying on a very sweeping assumption that everything is the same in Africa. 0 / 2 pts Substantiation and pursuasiveness of argument Comments The ecclectic selection of empirical observations does not serve an argument; whether ‘post-colonialism’ (the theory?) has led to stagnation is debatable. All in all, you need a much clearer structure, and then you need to find supporting arguments and structure them in a way that they support your main message. Not everything that you find is true can be stated as ‘evidently’ – you need to show and support with connected arguments, how an effect, a process, is influenced, and what the effects of something are. Your examples, mind, are not bad, it is only not clear at all in the service of which major argument you are presenting them. 1 / 3 pts General quality (no typos, concepts, structure, headings, academic style, referencing) Comments course literature? Bibliography is incomplete – no source is correct. 0 / 3 pts Total points: 2
Those are the instructions I wrote the essay and failed got 2 points
I attached my paper – 1A5A4C37-DCE8-41DC-9AFB-56E8FBBA9C43.pdf
these are comments for rewriting:
Hi Bahati, thanks for this paper; you are pursuing an interesting idea, but unfortunately there is little to no structure in this essay. You need to indicate clearly what the research interest and question is, and then collect evidence that is clearly connected to this; avoid sweeping claims but specify why, and under which conditions, what you are saying is the case. Also, summarize at the end without repeating what you have already said, but conclude from the information collected what this means, instead of just repeating what was unsubstantiated before. Make sure to provide a proper, coherent and complete bibliography. Clarity of argument Comments The topics called in the head line are very broad – and the arguments are sweeping. ‘…left Africans with a loss of their identity’ – all Africans? How do you know? What does that mean – what are people without identity? This is not convincing. Focus and relevance of argument Comments After some general statements, you select a few contries, Sudan, Nigeria, et al, without explaining this selection, or showing how this contributes to an argument. You say ‘of course’ this has strained development, but why ‘of course’ – the causal chains that follow (violence -> economic crisis; lack of identity -> limiting economic transactions (of which sort?)…) are not evidenced, or otherwise explained. If you make such claims, you need to show how they do. In the next paragraph, it is religion that is to blame for problems. But that does not explain why some states fare better than others, again relying on a very sweeping assumption that everything is the same in Africa. Substantiation and pursuasiveness of argument Comments The ecclectic selection of empirical observations does not serve an argument; whether ‘post-colonialism’ (the theory?) has led to stagnation is debatable. All in all, you need a much clearer structure, and then you need to find supporting arguments and structure them in a way that they support your main message. Not everything that you find is true can be stated as ‘evidently’ – you need to show and support with connected arguments, how an effect, a process, is influenced, and what the effects of something are. Your examples, mind, are not bad, it is only not clear at all in the service of which major argument you are presenting them. General quality (no typos, concepts, structure, headings, academic style, referencing) Comments course literature? Bibliography is incomplete – no source is correct. 0 / 3 pts
but what do you think of the comments and the topic ? should it be changed ? should it remain the same
